In a previous entry, I talked about my perspective changed in regards to getting involved with a guy who has kids.  It seems proper to note that while I've only become fully aware of this change, the actual change process has been a long time in the works.  In fact, I can trace its beginnings back as early as 2001.

Back in 2001, I met Mike, who I ended up dating for four years.  Mike didn't have any children of his own, but was fiercely devoted two his sister's two sons, especially David, who was in his mid teens at the time.  In fact, he was so devoted to them, you would've thought they were his own kids.

Again, this level of devotion was very attractive for me, for all of the same reasons I mentioned in the previous post.  And there was the fact that Mike was devoted and close to his family in general, including his mother.  (To be honest, he struck me as something of a "momma's boy" at times.)  That in itself was also an attractive quality.  I myself have always been close to my family, so it was nice to see that reflected in the person I was with.  Of course, I also think that it was a bit of a comfort to me, as my family was becoming more distant at the time, too.  So it was nice to be reminded that such closeness could still last, even if not in my family.  (Fortunately, things are on the mend in my own family now.)

Of course, in the end, Mike's closeness with his family contributed significantly to the end of our relationship.  This is mainly because in the four years we dated, Mike never reached the point where he was comfortable coming out to his family.  This meant that he spent that entire time leading a double life, keeping our relationship safely separated from his relationship with his parents, sister, and nephews.  This also meant that when his time was limited, that time was usually spent with his family rather than me.  After a while, that simply became unacceptable to me.  Along with other issues, I finally confronted him and ended our relationship when he admitted he was unwilling to do anything to resolve these issues.

In retrospect, I don't hold Mike's devotion to his family against him, even if it did contribute to the end of our relationship.  To this day, I consider that a positive quality and something I'd still find attractive.  However, I do take issue with his unwillingness to integrate his devotion to me and his devotion to his family, because his failure to do so was the real problem.  To this day, that fact is something of a sore spot in my life, though I've mostly made my peace.

Through the grapevine, I've come to understand that Mike's gone back to dating girls, and has been with the same girl for at least a year now.  I guess things are going quite well, at least from what I can gain from indirect sources.  When I first found out about this, I was deeply hurt.  In fact, I won't say I don't still feel a twinge of pain over it now.  However, I've come to be more accepting of his choices, and I hope he can truly find happiness with this woman.  After all, I don't think he'd ever find happiness with me or any other guy.  Because it's become clear to me that he could never make that choice that would ultimately be necessary.  So I hope he can find happiness in the choices he has made.

I know I have.  And to be honest, I'm starting to realize that my new choices since breaking up with him have offered me more chances for happiness than I ever would've had with him.  (I just hope that doesn't sound too cruel.)

So there's this guy I've been talking to recently.  Nothing serious, mind you.  I'm not sure you can quite say we're friends yet, though I'm certainly hoping that things are headed in that direction.  I certainly enjoy the conversations we have.  And I'd be lying if I denied that I'd be curious to explore the possibility of moving beyond friendship someday.

A while back, I found out through conversation that he had a couple of kids.  Now, there was a time where such a discovery would've caused me to immediately move this guy into the "friends only" category for good.  After all, relationships where one person already has kids can get complicated.  And years ago, I wouldn't have been interested in dealing with those complications.  And besides, I would've felt that kids would interfere in the relationship-building.  Or to put it more bluntly, I was selfish and wouldn't have wanted to have the other guy dividing his time between his kids and me like that.

Things have changed since then, it would appear.  Now, I hear that a guy has kids and I suddenly become more interested.  Oh sure, I still realize that all those complications I used to think about still exist.  And I still think about them.  But they're not deal-breakers in my mind anymore.

But more importantly, I think it's a case that now when I look at a guy who has kids -- and more importantly, is active in their lives -- I see a guy who understands commitment and devotion.  I see a guy who believes in those things.  And that's an incredibly attractive quality.

Also, what they say about having kids changing you is true.  Parents -- or at least decent parents -- tend to be more mature and stable.  Heck, they have to develop these qualities to a considerable degree to raise their kids.  And again, that's just an attractive quality to me.

And let's face it, those are also qualities that can really benefit a relationship.  So when I now see kids in the picture, I realize that it means there's good reason to believe that there's an increased chance of a relationship working out.  So I find that rather positive.

Of course, there's also the fact that I like kids anyway.  I think they're great and I love talking to them and even encouraging them.  And I have to admit that these days, the idea of having kids around is somewhat appealing.  It's certainly an alternative to trying to have or adopt my own!

I don't really know if my friend and I will ever get together romantically.  At this point, I'm not counting on it.  And even if it does ever happen, I get the impression it's a long ways off.  And it's not like I'm going to start looking only at guys with kids when it comes to dating options.  But my change in attitude on the topic is both interesting to note and welcome.